TimHowey.Com

Drained to the Last Drop (& Co-Dependency)

This week was one of the most intense & emotionally-draining of my life. (I crashed every night this week in a hotel room around 9pm, drained of every ounce of physical, emotional, & spiritual strength.)

This week also may well be the beginning of answers to a boatload of situations I've been bringing up to God. (It certainly kick-started the process in supernatural ways -- making progress in ways I never could myself.)

For reasons of confidentiality (not mine, but another's), there are certain things I can share, & certain things I can't.  Here are things I've taught before, I saw this week, & I was reminded of again in a big way:

• Sin destroys lives & relationships
• Fear destroys lives & relationships
• When you stuff, or swallow, or ignore your feelings, you hurt yourself & those you love
• True growth requires a continuous series of courageous acts (#1 being recognizing your own fears as valid, and being willing to share them)
• If you want power over something, you must bring it into the light (& if you want it to keep controlling you, keep it hidden)
• The very act of revealing something to another person causes it to lose some control over you
• You can't want someone else to grow more than they want to grow themselves (it'll destroy both you and them)
• The only thing that you can focus on is growing yourself (and there's always more work to do there)
• Cowardice limits growth
• Communication requires a set of skills that can be learned -- but it requires intentional development & constant attention
• Sometimes, when people think they're helping, they're not! -- they're actually enabling further dysfunction
• "Helpers" are often blind to the fact that their "help" is actually hurting the very person they want to help!
• The most important relationship work may drain you of every ounce of strength -- but it's all so very worth it
• There's always hope

I was also reminded this week of the story "The Prodigal Son" (Luke 15). It reminded me so much of how someone breaks the cycle of Dependency & Co-Dependency in a healthy way. If you haven't heard those terms before:

• "Dependency" is basically when a substance and/or behavior exercises destructive control over you. Dependency is often connected with distorted thinking, deception, & denial.
• "Co-Dependency" is basically the compulsion to help a person who is "dependent." Co-dependent people often start with best heart & best intentions. However their "help" ends up hurting the very person they are trying to help! In other words:
  
  • Co-Dependent people are sincere
  • Co-Dependent people care
  • Co-Dependent people are just "trying to help"
  • Co-Dependent people see someone make bad decisions
  • Co-Dependent people start to fear the consequences of the other person's actions
  • Co-Dependent people try to shield them from the consequences of their own behaviors
  • Co-Dependent people start doing things for others that the others should be doing for themselves
  • Co-Dependent people begin to wear themselves out because they are trying to run their own life and the other person's life
  • Co-Dependent people eventually grow frustrated with the person they're trying to help
  • Co-Dependent people see the person they're trying to help get frustrated with them
  • Co-Dependent people end up helping the other person get worse (which is the opposite of what they want!)
    
  • Co-Dependent people are often totally blind to this ("But I'm only trying to help/protect them!")
  • Co-Dependent people often have no idea that they are helping it get worse

But the story of "The Prodigal Son" (Luke 15) is awesome! Here's a parent who decided that, although he loved his son so much, he could not make his son's decisions for his son. (After all, his son was an adult!) So he did the only thing he could do. He let his son make his own choices, suffer his own consequences, and get to the point that his son wanted the help. Now to do this, the parent had to deal with his own fears of the relationship being severed & his son really, really hurting himself. But when his son was ready for a change, the parent went running to him to help him make his own, new, right decisions.

That's wholeness.

That's Christ-likeness.

That's Biblical.

That's freedom.

Tuesday Thots

Here's are several things I think I think on this Tuesday afternoon.

• All aTwitter -- I've had a Twitter account for a while (thanks to Babu) but never really used it.  Now I am.  (Talk about being LATE to the party!)  If you want to follow my tweets, check out TimHowey.
• A Real Frog-Strangler -- It is absolutely POURING down rain right now.  It's raining cats & dogs.  And our windows are open at home.  (I wonder how much mopping/sopping up we'll have to do?)
• Kids Highlight -- Tomorrow we kick off the first of 2 back-to-back Summer Breakouts at Grace (our VBS).  It's an event that literally takes a full year to plan, write, pray over, recruit, decorate, etc.  An AMAZING highlight for the kids.  This year, we're walking through the book of Jonah & teaching our kids about World Missions.
• VBS-On-Demand -- All our SBOs are home-grown, designed & written in-house...and they are AMAZING!!!  We ought to be SELLING these things...they're better than anything else on the market (no offense major Christian-distributors).
• Preparing My Son -- At lunch, I had some time where my son Jake and I could hang together.  So I grabbed him & shared what was on my heart today:
• • Yes, bad things WILL happen in life.
  • But we do NOT have to be defined by our circumstances.
  • In fact, it doesn't matter WHAT bad things happen to us.
  • God turns around EVERY bad thing for good for his followers.
  • We read these together: 1Co 15:57, 2Co 2:14-16, Rom 8:28, 2Cor 1:8
  • Sweet time
• I Need a Crutch -- At least for the next week.  My 4-week appointment with my surgeon is next Tuesday.  Hopefully I can ditch the crutches & go weight-bearing then.  I still won't be able to run for another 2 months though.  :-(

L8R!

Prayer Request & Update - Hillary Mehl (Part 2)

Here is the most recent update from Kathy to all the people on their "Mehl/IBNE Ministry in El Salvador" group on Facebook.  Would you pray right now for Hillary?

"Kathy Mehl June 1 at 1:16pm

Hello our dear prayer warriors,

We hope that you all are doing well and for those of you in the USA, we hope you are enjoying the summer months.

We are writing to ask a special prayer for Hillary. She is responding well to the new antibiotics- praise the Lord. The doctors come twice a day to do a cleaning of the drainage tube in her neck - this process is so painful and has become a weakness for Hillary-mentally. About 3 hours before the doctors come, she starts getting really nervous, starts to cry, and is having panic attacks. She knows this cleaning needs to be done in order for her to get better, but it is such a horrible experience, she can't handle it. They are giving her demerol 30 minutes before, but even with that, this morning, she was hysterical. She did it, but through alot of crying Tonight the doctor is going to give her a sedative before the cleaning - hopefully that will calm her down today.

Many of you have sent the following verse to her:

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

This has helped her alot. Please continue to pray that God gives her the strength she needs especially during the cleaning process and that this abscess heals completely so that they can close her up and release her from the hospital.

Thank you so much for the sacrifice you make to pray for Hillary.

God bless you,

Kathy on behalf of my daughter Hillary"

Prayer Request & Update - Hillary Mehl

Many of you know that the Mehl family is one of only 11 missionary families that we support around the world.  (Our missions philosophy at Grace is to try to go deeper with fewer missionaries...to avoid the "push-pins-all-over-the-world-map" philosophy.)

Anyway, the Mehl's, who are ministering in El Salvador encountered an emergency this weekend.  Hillary, their 17-year old daughter had been in a very good hospital in San Salvador for several days, but was getting worse not better.  She was in critical condition and Kathy could not leave her.  So Sunday afternoon she wrote Grace and her sending church to ask for any doctor that would be willing to call her and give a second opinion from afar.

I put the word out to several docs around our church and praise God our own Dr. Charles Sullivan had the time and ability to make the call.  Within a couple of hours, he had called Kathy in the room, talked through Hillary's symptoms, and validated their diagnosis & treatment.  It seems that Hillary has a condition called Ludwig's Angina, stemming from recent wisdom teeth extraction.  It's pretty serious & painful.  The tough part was that they could treat her condition, but were unable to prescribe any pain meds!  (Ouch.)

Would you pause & pray for right now for Hillary's continued healing?

And if you want more updates, you can join the Facebook Group called "Mehl/IBNE Ministry in El Salvador".  Kathy will be updating everyone there!

Knee Update

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Hey everyone, here is an update on my surgery.

Monday morning, I showed up at the Surgicenter of Johnson County at 6a.  We were the first ones there.  Did some paperwork for about 20 minutes or so with the secretary.  Signed my life away, including some document that basically said, "Even if we kill you through our negligence, you can in no way hold us responsible."  (I guess that's lawyer-standard.)

I was taken back around 6:30a to get ready.  Declothe & put on the fashionable robe-that-ties-at-the-back-of-your-neck.  I laid down, then the construction crew renovating my waiting bay arrived.  Had to move to another bay.  I received my IV, then Cathy came back.  That was followed by visits from the anesthesiologist-with-very-hip-hair, and then Dr. Gurley (my friend & surgeon).

Finally, around 7:15-7:20a or so, things got rolling.  The anesthesiologist gave me a shot of Versed through my IV.  My head started spinning.  On the way to the operating room, my memory just stops...almost like the film ran out...thank you, Versed.

My next memory was waking up with Cathy in recovery.  I'd been awake for a while, but I don't remember.  Supposedly I kept asking to look at my post-op paperwork.  But I kept forgetting I saw it.

At around 9:00a, Cathy loads me into the car & we head home.  Cathy told me they pulled a chunk out of my knee that was floating around.  I'll learn more about it next Monday.  On the way home, we pick up 2 prescriptions.  I'm taking the mandatory anti-inflammatory drug.  But, thankfully, I haven't had to take any of the horse tranquilizers oxycontin they sent home.  I think everyone's prayers have been helping hugely.

Bottom line, I'm beat tired and want to sleep all the time.  My head feels a little foggy from the anti-inflammatory and it's hard to focus.  But I have very little pain...until I try to bend my knee all the way.  Ouch.  My knee looks like some sort of misshapen, bulbous fruit.  Not attractive.  Still swollen.

Anyway, I'm getting better each day.  Thank you all for your prayers.

A Little Bummed (Knee)

Well, I broke down & scheduled it.  I'm having knee surgery on Monday May 17.  I blogged about the problem in "An Ice Pick to the Knee."

A little piece of me is bummed right now, mourning the loss of 3 months of running right through the primo summer months.  I'll be on crutches for a month (May 17-June 17), then I can't run for 2 more months (until Aug 17).

Yuck.

Anyway, I know several things:  (1) It's only a tiny part of me that's bummed...overall I'm SO thankful for what's going on.  (2) I know God'll use this like he uses everything for good.  (3) There are people out there with REAL problems that I pray for on a weekly basis, on our Grace Church prayer list.

Regardless, I ran 7 miles last night hard to protest my (self-chosen) upcoming surgery.  :-)

An Ice Pick to the Knee

I saw my orthopedic surgeon yesterday (Dr. Gurley) to talk about the results of my knee MRI.  Two things are going on.

(1) I have a small meniscus tear, but since it's small & without pain or loss of mobility, it's probably no worry.

(2) The bigger issue is that my articular cartilage (the shiny white surface on the end of a chicken bone) on my right femur (where it meets the knee) has a small section gone or rubbed off.  Instead of a nice smooth surface, it's a small circle of dark rough bone.

We have a few options.  The easiest two options are (a) I'll just start trying to workout very slowly, work up in intensity, and see what happens.  If there's bruising & pain, we can try the next step which is (b) microfracture chondroplasty surgery.  That is, taking a small instrument like an ice pick, and poking several holes up into the bone where my smooth cartilage covering is gone, to get the blood & bone marrow to ooze out, and create a new cartilage (his drawing is below).  I thought he said that this new cartilage wouldn't be quite as good as the original cartilage, but it would be smoother than my raw bone.  I found some more info here.

Anyway, I'll start working out veeeeeeeerrrrrrryyyyyyy sloooooooooooowwwwwwwwlllllllyyyyyy and let you know what happens.

Wednesday Thots

Hey everyone.  Here's a series of quick updates & late afternoon thots, as we gear up for Easter Weekend.

• Tonight's Topic -- If you can join us tonight for the Numbers study, do so.  It's from 6:45-8:00p.  You can also watch it LIVE, online at our website.  We'll be covering Numbers 28-29, the PERFECT prelude to Easter weekend...and foreshadowing of Christ!
• Daily Reading -- I've hit the gospels again in my daily reading, and I am LOVING it.  Read Matthew 15-19 this morning.  I saw one of my absolute favorite verses, Matthew 17:8.  I want to be that way too...after spending time with God, looking up, and only seeing Jesus...keeping my focus on Him!
• 4 Vacation Books -- When I was in Florida over Spring Break, I wanted to really veg-out.  Shut my mind down.  So I read 4 books (brought by my niece, borrowed from my wife, or owned by my dad).  They were Twilight, New Moon, City of Ember, & The Last Jihad.
• Updated Bible Program -- This week, I upgraded by Bible Study software after several years.  I went with the Silver Edition of Logos Bible Software 4.  I think it's going to be a good move...but learning how to use new software is never as fast as you want.  :-)
• Knee Update -- I called the doc today since I hadn't heard any news on my knee since the MRI last Thursday morning.  I got a voice mail back from a nurse.  "Mr. Howey, you did not tear your ACL.  But you do have a small, tiny, horizontal tear of the lateral meniscus..."  I get to wait till next Thursday to find out what we're doing about it.
• A Job Anyone? -- I got an email saying that AT&T was hiring "Leveraged Service Representatives" here in KC.  Here was the website link.
• Invite Your 5 -- Check out the video below and starting burning up the phone lines, text messages, & emails with invites.  It'll be an awesome weekend!

L8R.

Don't Forget...Easter this Sunday! from Grace Church on Vimeo.

Breaking My Silence

There's been a lot of silence coming from my blog recently.  I've been wanting to update everyone, but LIFE has been happening.  :-)  Anyway, here's what's been up.

• Hanging in Florida -- Over Spring Break, the family & I took a week to spend time with my dad & step-mom in Florida.  It was cold the first part of the trip.  Then it warmed up.  In fact, the Sunday that everyone in KC was dealing with 6-12" of snow, I was dealing with a slight sunburn on the beach.  I guess we were BOTH "suffering".  :-)
• Right Knee MRI -- Last Thursday, I finally got in to have my right knee checked.  About halfway through, the tech told me that I'd have to wait a few minutes.  I thought, "I'll bet she had to reboot the machine..."  Sure enough, she did.
• Right Knee Re-Injured -- That night, as I was watching NCAA basketball, I sat on the couch with my knee bent a little to the side of me.  When I got up...OUCH!!!!!  For the next 24 hours, I was limping around again, just like when I first injured it.  The knee was fine after 48 hours.
• Bracket Busted -- My bracket is like so many others...shattered, along with my prediction of a KU-UK final.
• Bowled Over -- On Saturday night, I met up with a bunch of guys from Grace at the Incredibowl on 151 & Antioch.  I was a model of consistency, bowling a 146-148-143.  Not bad for me.  Too bad the other 3 guys on my lane just CRUSHED me.  Even the guy with the bum shoulder beat me because he started his 2nd game with 5 out of 6 strikes.  Sickening...

Time Flies

Wow.  Time has absolutely FLOWN this week.  And there was absolutely NO WAY I could blog.  I'll try to catch up tonight.

• Time Change Anyone? -- I wonder how many people will remember to set their clocks back for tomorrow. I guess we tried something different this go around...not mentioning the time change to anyone.  :-)
• What Up??? -- So...what in the world has been taking all my time?  Well, I've not been running.  My MRI won't be for another couple weeks!  (The x-rays I got were negative.)  Right now, I'm slowly but surely turning into a tub of goo.  :-)  However, my work-world been all about 4 things...
• • Weekend Lie$ Series -- This has been a fun series.  I've learned a ton about how God views money recently and it's been a BLAST teaching everyone.  We're just trying to set people free from the INSANITY of the OVER-spending, UNDER-thinking, and using CREDIT cards as a form of volitional slavery...errr...a crutch.
  • Wed Numbers Series -- We're in the 2nd half of the book now, walking through events that happened near the end of the 40 years of wandering.  It seems like every week we are seeing the RICHES of the word, the FORESHADOWING of Christ, and incredibly PRACTICAL lessons for OUR life's journey.
  • Essential Studies Rewrite -- I am PUMPED about this one.  We are in the process TOTALLY rewriting the 5 essential classes we desire everyone to take at Grace.  They will be Grace Vision (formerly Prospective Members), Grace Mission (formerly Purposes), Grace Beliefs (a brand-new class), Personal Worship (another brand-new class), & Personal Gifting (formerly SHAPE).
  • Job Interviews -- In the last week, I've also been interviewing people for the Youth Pastor & Assistant Children's Director roles.  It's exciting!  We're praying for them & they're out there.  We just need to discern who God's ALREADY chosen.
• Tim Hawkins Night - Last night, Cathy & I surprised Jacob & Karina with tickets to the Tim Hawkins show at Lee's Summit Community Church.  He is a RIOT & we loved it.  If you haven't heard him, you've GOT to check him out on YouTube.
• Mmmm...BBQ -- Before that, we noshed on Dickeys.  BBQ -- all-you-can-eat whole pickles -- all-you-can-eat ice cream.  :-)

L8R.